Pieces of Me
A discursive composed by a Chloe, a former student (Year 9) and student in The Writer’s Collective Cross Campus online course.
The void I call my mind seems to have sucked up the memories of my early adolescence,
maybe because I was too caught up in a made up world, forged from my own imagination.
An imagination cluttered with books and movies, stacked up against the walls of my brain,
threatening to tip over. Threatening to cause an uproar within.
Maybe it’s because there were so many things that I wasn’t allowed to express, of fear that I
would lose the people closest to me. But how can we ever be sure? Sure of the things within
our own brains, or that of others?
We can't.
What I do remember is the Halloween afternoon that I spent begging my ‘friends’ to let me
join in on the festivities. I didn't see at the time that I wasn’t wanted there, and that was the
problem. That’s where so many things stemmed from, I would need all the hands I know to
help me count them. Today, I’m still unsure why I was so afraid of losing people, even
though I had never had anyone leave me - permanently anyways.
I ended up going to that party, knowing I wasn’t wanted the second I was told that they left
an hour before I got there. It was a ‘mistake’ they grumbled.
I never believed them.
I believe that if my generation grew up in a time before this, the issues that we face today
wouldn't be as prominent. We wouldn't be forced into square peg-holes, where in reality
we’re all unique shapes made to fit all of our unique peg-holes. We’re supposed to be
ourselves and that’s the issue I face.
For years I felt torn between ‘fitting in’ and being 'unique.’ I wanted to be true to myself, but
also have that sense of fitting in - just like everyone around me. I began to break pieces of myself off - not literally - and add new ones on. I became an open book, and didn't hide anything. I opened myself up to suspicion. Sometimes when we go to change ourselves, we rip ourselves apart unknowingly. That’s the problem with growing up in this new generation of technology, we’re too susceptible to the games played with our
heads through glowing screens.
These same screens are the ones that keep people up at night, the same people who
complain they didn’t get enough sleep and become drowsy and grumpy. I often wonder what
the world would be like without technology, without the 75% of children aged under 17 using
the 15+ apps.
What if, only for a second, devices became disabled? Would there be a worldwide crisis
before the screens reloaded, and starving eyes, hungry for false information were finally
satisfied?
When we really sit down and think, does anyone wonder the same things I do?
Do they wonder if they grew up too quickly?
If they’re supposed to be discussing issues
deeper than they are?
Because I do.
I have often wondered if I grew up too quickly, and I wonder if that was maybe the worst
thing to happen to me. At least, I used to. I now know that I am different, and I’m okay with
that. I'm okay with being the kid who gets enough sleep, not staying up late to message boys or call friends. I learnt what the word ‘maturity’ meant, even though that may have ripped the
innocence from deep within me, it made me me.
Through the ones we call ‘Society’, dictating a necessary look, personality and dress list over
time, kids who want to be different are now outcasted. I was one of those kids, and still am to
some extent. I spent hours at night thinking of all the ways I could have been different,
subconsciously throwing away pieces of myself that created me - trying to ‘fit in’ when I
never knew what that looked like. I still don’t. I’m curious to know, what does it mean to fit in?
Vaping? Destroying our lungs, our minds, being addicted to weed killer? Does it mean
breaking rules, skipping class and not doing schoolwork? Or does it mean wearing the
wrong uniform, wearing shorts that expose ourselves? Yelling at teachers? Ultimately, there
is no such thing as fitting in. It can change at the push of a button, leading to mass
confusion except for the people that label themselves as cool.
When did destroying ourselves become cool?
When did kids stop watching Dora, Bubble Guppies, Gravity Falls - when did they start
playing with makeup before learning to write? When did aggression become a part of the
new generation? The love between a mother and a child being pushed away because of the
same glowing screens we live by is not okay.
It’s possible, as a whole society, we need to do better. Social media is like a drug, it's highly
addictive. People are spending night and day scrolling through different platforms, and
comparing themselves to others - and this is where the unrealistic beauty standard comes
into play. Filters, body modifications and so much more are used to keep you scrolling, keep
you judging yourself. Teenagers, and kids, are getting less and less sleep due to social
media use, which causes a decline in rational thinking.
There will always be a preconceived notion of what a person should look and act like, but
it's important to know and remember that not everyone has to comply with the ‘standard.’ I
wish I had believed my parents the first time they told me that it was okay to be different, to
feel, to experience, to think differently. Now I’m older. I know what I do, and don’t like; will
and won’t accept.
Rude, disruptive, disrespectful, mean - I don’t care. I’m being true to myself. Myself may not
be the same as someone else’s self and that is okay.
I want to teach people, anyone who will listen, that being yourself is okay. The standard set
by society in this day and age is ridiculous and outright absurd - with the use of
modifications rising more than ever before. If someone wants to call me names or talk about
me, go ahead. That’s okay due to the fact that when they try to talk about themselves, no
one listens.
The fact that our minds are riddled with drama and unable to focus on anything else is just
crazy.
When we try to fit in, we lose parts of ourselves we need. Need for survival, or to just have
our own personalities. “No one wants to live in a world of the same bland, boring people.” is
what my parents used to say, and I believe them wholeheartedly. Trying to fit in destroys
your mental health, it causes problems. For me, I lost sleep trying to stay up late - trying to fit
the popular ideology. It killed me from the inside out - family noticed, friends noticed. “Are
you okay?”, was a term I heard too often.
I truly wonder what I would be like today had I buckled and just became what was expected
of me; a perfect, mindless drone. Sometimes I slip into the behaviours I grew up receiving,
and sometimes it hurts the people around me. I apologise, because I know how much that
hurt me, and I wouldn't ever wish that on my worst enemy. Sometimes when space is
needed it needs to be given. When things are said, they need to be taken back and
apologised for. Calling people horrid things isn't okay, it isn’t funny or cool or acceptable.
Some people just need to learn to take that feedback and redirect it into a more positive
environment.
I was thirteen when I learnt to accept myself, and by no means do I wish what I went through
on anyone else. After years of hiding what I felt, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe it’s
still the broken version, maybe it’s the healing version. Maybe its just a heart.
Maybe, it's a heart that tells others that they will be okay, that tough times teach us what we
need to be ourselves. Whether that be a new friend circle, a new hairstyle. Maybe it’s a new
look, some new clothes. Eventually, we all find ourselves; some find what they think is right
for them further along their path, others are born with that sense of self.
From my story alone, I want to learn to help others. Perhaps ones going through the same
stuff as me, or ones at the end of their story wanting more.
